Solitude & Sereni.tea

Yesterday, I had several moments of overwhelm. We are extremely short staffed at work, and communication is chaotic at best, and yet my notifications are out of control. Over the last 4 days there has been a non stop soundtrack of email/teams/gchat/messenger notifications going off every 2 minutes. Add in the fact that I am still feeling crummy from my fall earlier in the week. And at about 2pm yesterday, I finally just broke down. The onslaught of messages has put my already confused brain in such a state that all I could do was yell in anguish, let the tears come – and then just stare blankly at my screen for about 15 minutes. And then I got back to work. Did I tell my boss that I needed help. Nope. Did I ask for help from the other person left in my department. Nope. Did I walk away from my desk, get a cup of tea, or go outside and walk around the block, or pick up the phone and just speak to someone whose voice calms me down. Nope. I just sat there and cried. I couldn’t think of one thing to do for myself.

On top of all that, I have a fear of being humiliated in work meetings, so I worked an extra 5 and 1/2 hours yesterday, so I could get everything completed. And there would be much less stress today. I wish I could say that helped, but all that extra work that was required for this morning, was actually not needed (again communication is not clear during high stress times, where I work).

So today, I am stressed and angry. There is good news though. I generally am unable to stay in the emotion of anger. And right now I am in it. I will lash out at just about anyone who crosses me today. So beware.

I am right at the mid-point of my 2nd week of prioritizing self-care. And the only thing I was able to do for myself yesterday, was to take my vitamins and drink a smoothie with greens powder. And perhaps learn a lesson about jumping when others say to jump – don’t do it.

I did come to a realization though, work hours are almost pleasant for me, when no one else is working. When I have zero interruptions. I can focus and get things done, and I don’t have to check my email every few minutes to see if someone else needs something. This tells me that perhaps, I should start looking for a job where I don’t have to work with people. What are good jobs for extremely introverted people? If you have some ideas, leave a comment. Because it’s pretty clear that I need something different.

So normally I would say that crying at work is not a big deal. In fact, it’s a good thing. When you cry, you show vulnerability (don’t fall into the trap thinking that vulnerability is a weakness – it absolutely is not), vulnerability increases empathy. It shows that you are open. And it is a huge stress release. I work remotely, so it’s not like anyone can know I am having a bit of a breakdown.