Solitude & Sereni.tea

This morning, I had the opportunity to attend the Face of Leadership- Inclusive Leadership Forum, put on by Minerva BC. And it was a wonderful experience, to hear experienced, capable, and human(e) voices who celebrate and work tirelessly for gender equality. In this morning’s first session – a conversation between Elaine Lin Hering* and Tara Robertson, which was so impactful that I am going to have to revisit it about 5 more times. This sentence was spoken, “Silence is self-care”. Those 4 words really resonated. Those words made me revisit the way I move in this world. And how hard (and unsuccessfully) I have tried to shed being silent. And that every time I do speak up, I come across as insincere and inauthentic. And so I am going to spend a lot of time choosing how I react from now on.

I find that a lot of people around me, say a lot of ugly or provocative things, just so I will react. And react is what I do. Mostly because it’s expected of me. But for years, I said nothing at all. Because I felt like I didn’t deserve a voice. And it’s time that I forgive myself for not speaking up.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault. I am also a survivor of partner rape. Both occupancies happened decades ago. And I have received a lot of help. And I am almost always okay now. There is also some history of physical and emotional abuse throughout my life. Again, I have worked through this in counselling, and while I do get triggered – about 85% of the time, I am fine.

Here is where the silence comes in. It’s mostly a workplace issue for me. I work in the construction industry. An industry that until recently, was built almost entirely around men. All of my bosses have been male. Most of my colleagues have been male. And while I have never been the sole woman in the office, Usually the male to female ration in the offices I have worked in are at least 5:1, but usually closer to 8:1. My customer base is 90% male. And while I would never say that most of my interactions are cringey (they are not), I am in the room (in real life, or virtually) when conversations turn derogatory and harmful. When a woman’s body is commented on, when violent thoughts are spoken along with the threat of action. Some towards me, some towards others. And for years, I said nothing. I sat frozen just wishing for the interaction to end. I now understand, that this was a PTSD response. Sitting here, looking back at these interactions, I am have been so angry at myself for not speaking up, but I am just now realizing that no one else spoke up either – and I should be just as angry at them. I am furious that these conversations have not only taken place, they continue to take place, and in some instances are even encouraged.

And now when conversations like these take place and I am present, I do say something, but it’s not so much with an intention to stop them. It’s more of a physical response to the shock. I admonish, but then ultimately let it slide. And this needs to change. Because what I am doing is basically the same as being silent. It’s a momentary objection, but with no follow through.

I am going to work on a whole lot of self forgiveness for not being able to stop abusive language and threats. But I am going to do more. I know I can do better. I and the people I work and play with deserve safe interactions. I am no longer the six year old girl who couldn’t yell for help when a stranger raped her, nor am I still the 28 year old woman, whose boyfriend raped her because he felt that he had waited long enough (six weeks) for sex.

The silence was protective. And I am grateful for knowing how to protect myself in those moments. But the time has come to use my voice. And I plan on using it wisely.

*Elaine Lin Hering and Tara Robertson were discussing Elaine’s best selling book Unlearning Silence.