Solitude & Sereni.tea

Before I get into it, let me just say that I absolutely can’t stand the holiday season. It really just kills me to see happy people everywhere I go. People getting excited to see friends and family, people “burdened” by all the gifts they bought for the people they love. Watching people arrive at the airport to receive hugs and kisses from their loved ones. Blech. Schmaltzy holiday movies – double blech. It makes no difference whether I am partnered with someone or not. I have hated Christmas and its assorted activities since I was a child. To this day, I don’t understand the reasoning behind Santa Claus. And I would like to sleep through the entire week. New Years, I can get behind. But the weeks before it is absolute dreck. I understand that I am not the only one who feels this way – and they probably have much better reasons to despise this day. But it’s my blog, and I feel justified in my hatred.

I am lucky that my parents are still among the living. And that the holidays are spent amongst my family. And while the holidays have certainly become less chaotic than they were when I was a child – when the entire extended family would arrive between 8 and 9 AM to spend the day morning with us. I am expected to attend family events, like Christmas Eve dinner, and a gift opening and to be cordial and happy and respectful yo the people I am around, even while feeling completely triggered by the events.

This year, I was “gifted” something that was very triggering, and while the giver may have had good intentions – I am choosing to believe that they had good intentions. It was actually a throwback to when I was a child and was so traumatized by abuse (sexual, physical, and emotional) that I developed habits that helped me create some sense of control over the turmoil I was experiencing. Among other things, I developed a disordered eating habit. It wasnt an eating disorder, but it was a “quirk” where I couldn’t eat if different types of food touched each other on my plate. It got bad enough, that I would only have one type of food on my plate at a time, and would sometimes have to use multiple plates and utensils to finish a meal. This is no longer a problem for me. It hasn’t been a problem in decades. Does the disorder still show up. Sometimes. Usually when I’m very stressed, or there is a lot of noise at a dinner I am at. Eating family style, is not easy for me. But I can usually get through a meal, by organizing my plate in a way where there is more space than food, and hardly anyone notices anymore.

And so this year, someone gave me metal trays that have dividers for your food groups. Trays that you would find in institutions like a hospital or a prison. Along with a gift that I didnt need, that felt very thoughtless I also received a PTSD flashback. And it’s taken me a month to get over this. I let this gift ruin a holiday that is already difficult. I let this gift ruin an already strained relationship. I know this sounds petty. I fully understand what this sounds like. A privileged woman whinging about what she got for Christmas. But it brought up a lot of trauma that I have worked really hard to move on from.

And so I decided to do a Christmas redo. Starting the day after Christmas, I decided to give myself a month of gifts. From Dec 26th to Jan 26th, I was going to buy whatever I wanted and feel no remorse. The plan was to purchase things that made me feel good. They didn’t have to be needs – but they could be. Here is a rundown of what I purchased (I may forget a few things, I did a lot of shopping):

*shoes (dangerously high ones)
*tshirts and a sweatshirt
*a skillet (necessary)
*a carpet coat (basically a work of art)
*a membership to the art gallery
*a printer (necessary)
*pajamas
*yoga classes
*tickets to an opera
*psychedelics
*a breathwork and soundbath class
*a phone upgrade
*a pendant necklace- 2 peacock heads from the Book of Kells.

It sounds like a lot. It is a lot. Normally, I wouldn’t buy any of this stuff for myself. Occasionally, I might buy some clothes or shoes, but usually I shop in vintage stores. I would never buy myself a carpet coat though. Rarely do I buy anything new or truly special. Classes OK – yes, I do take the occasional class.

But here is the thing, all of this shopping made me feel good. Really good. For the first time in my life, I felt deserving of buying things that I wanted. Not once did I say no. If I loved it, I bought it. And it was the greatest gift that I could give myself. Because I felt worthy of presents that I desired. I am lucky that I don’t have to deny myself things. I do need to be careful with money. And while I am going to have to adhere to a strict budget for the next little while, the era of poor Laura is over. I no longer associate my self worth with how others view me. And while I may perpetually be a traumatized 6 year old in the eyes of others. That 6 year old girl deserves to be loved and cherished and have gifts lavished on her. And that is exactly what I did. I honoured her by granting her a Laura-mas. Though it took the entire month for me to discover that is exactly what I did.

I hope you had fun little one. I sure enjoyed treating you/us. <3.