Solitude & Sereni.tea

Yesterday was a bad day. After many attempts at trying to convince myself otherwise, I have come to terms with the fact that the company I work for does not align with my core values, and that its past time I do something about it. I spent the entire day in a lot of anxiety, and by the time I made it to bed I was in such a state that I was hiccuping violently. It’s impossible for me to sleep when Im in such a state, but couldnt manage to do anything else, so I just laid there for hours hiccuping and creating more panic for myself. By the time 3AM rolled around, I still hadn’t slept – but the panic crescendoed so much that my body became a volcano on the verge of eruption. No longer the verge.

Looking back on last night, I can pinpoint it to a few things. I have been under a great deal of stress for the last 2 years. I had lost everything that was important to me. And I have been slowly building it back slowly and painfully, and struggling with every step. The company I work for showed who they are and what is important to them – and it caused me a great deal of pain. This week there was a terrible tragedy in a small community in the province I live in. And it has shaken me, I dont understand violence at the most basic level. And this tragedy is layered and complicated and unnecessary and terribly terribly sad and tragic. And we won’t be ok for a long long time. I am still not recovered by what happened over the Christmas holidays – and am trying to move forward protecting my mental health from further assault from members of my family. And on a woo woo level, I discovered today that Saturn has left Pisces and entered Aries – and that for Virgos this is a very good sign – a new day (so to speak) leaving the struggles in the past. Which might explain the purge of toxicity last night/this morning.

That said, today was basically a write off for me. I did the one thing on my todo list, teach a trio lesson, only because it was too late for me to cancel. I woke up 12 minutes before the lesson started. The rest of the day was spent sipping on water, reading two chapters of a noir novel, a nap, a half hearted attempt at cleaning, waiting for a message from someone important to me that didnt come (valentines day -harrumph!), and watching a YouTube video about different types of journaling – I didnt even finish watching that. That’s all I managed to accomplish since 9:30 this morning. It’s almost 6:30 pm now. I cant explain where the rest of the time went. I dont even want to. I am in tremendous amounts of pain from the state I was in yesterday.

But there are some good things that come from feeling this way.
* I do not feel inclined to answer text messages, phone calls, or knocks on my door. I have had plenty of all 3 today. And I am not going to give my energy to anyone else right now. Nor am I going to take on anyone else’s drama. I have enough of my own right now.

That’s it really. The only good thing that came out of yesterday’s attack of panic. I couldnt even do any yoga, because of the pain I am in.

Tonight will be for sipping cold apple juice and watching some foreign film. Why foreign – because it takes effort to watch something in a language that I dont speak, and when I am feeling crummy – maximum effort actually makes me really tired. And so sleep may come a bit easier because of the subtitles.

I hope you found a way to take care of yourself, during this day – if it too didnt match your expectations.